A few years back, I spent a month in a zen monastery in the mountains of Tamil Nadu, India.
I was meditating most of the day in silence, and I felt in a really good space, but then, on the tea break, I would eat biscuits with tons of sugar, which is something that I will not allow myself, becase I have to take care of my blood sugars.
So I queue to meet our zen master, an 80-year-old wise man, that if you are lucky, you get two sentences out of him. After an hour of waiting, he called me in. I bowed to him, sat down, and said, ‘I feel so good about my practice, but then I self-sabotage everything; I know and feel how sugar is doing me bad.’ He looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Forgive it.”
Self-sabotage often resides in the shadow—the unconscious part of ourselves that we tend to ignore, deny, or repress. The shadow can manifest in habits that sabotage our wellbeing, such as negative self-talk, addictions, unhealthy relationships, or neglecting physical and mental health practices.
To heal it, we need to integrate the shadow by meeting its parts with curiosity and friendliness because our unresolved emotions, unprocessed trauma, or unmet needs are at its root. Integrating our shadow allows us greater self-awareness, emotional freedom, and personal growth.
We don’t overcome anything—scars are scars, and we have to learn to live with them, maybe even celebrate them, like the Japanese art form Kintsugi, which involves repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with powdered gold, rendering a new piece that is more exquisite than before the break.
Here’s how I work with my mentees to integrate the shadow:
Self-awareness:
We develop through different meditation practices the ability to be present in the moment and pay attention to ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings without judgment.
When we are triggered, repeat patterns, judge, and shame ourselves, we know the shadow is at play. The beauty of self-awareness is that we are free of what we are aware of; we are the witness rather than the behaviour itself.
Self-compassion:
Now that we recognise it, when we get closer, we find parts of ourselves that were not met with compassion, and they haunt us for attention and care.
The way out of shame is kindness and dharma. When we devote our lives to something greater than ourselves that inspires us, we identify less with the wounded parts and are now representatives of the divine parts of ourselves that are free from pathologies (according to Ayurvedic psychology).
Dance with it:
One of my other great loves part of yoga and ayurveda is the Japanese philosophy and arts. I dance butoh to give expression to the shadow.
Do it your way; sometimes, give it artistic expression through writing, painting or dancing.
Ways you can stay centred while being triggered
